Top Stories
National | Oct. 14, 1998
PORTLAND, OR — Local resident Derek Faulkner, 28, who famously does not own a television set,
has managed to work this fact into conversation an estimated 47 times since Monday,
sources confirmed Tuesday...
[Full Story]
National | Oct. 14, 1998
WASHINGTON — A comprehensive 10-year study by the National Institute for
Productivity Research has confirmed what most Americans have long suspected:
every single important deadline in the country is met, on average, between
11:58 and 11:59 p.m. on the day it is due...
[Full Story]
Local | Oct. 14, 1998
COLUMBUS, OH — Helen Marsh, 54, of 1442 Birchwood Drive, reports feeling
a profound sense of accomplishment after presenting a coupon for Campbell's Tomato Soup
at the Kroger checkout on Tuesday...
[Full Story]
Family | Oct. 13, 1998
NAPERVILLE, IL — Greg and Susan Hensley, parents of inquisitive kindergartner
Tyler, confirmed Monday that they were "absolutely, categorically not prepared"
for the question Tyler posed at dinner Tuesday evening...
[Full Story]
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Area Man Passionately Defends Film He Has Not Yet Seen To Friends Who Have
Entertainment | Oct. 14, 1998
By Staff Reporter J. Hale — The Onion
DENVER, CO — Speaking with the authoritative confidence of a man who
has read a two-paragraph review of the movie in question, local accountant
Brad Morrison, 31, reportedly spent the better part of Tuesday evening
vigorously defending the artistic merits of "Saving Private Ryan"
to his friends Mark and Diane, both of whom saw it opening weekend.
"No, but you guys have to understand, it's not just a war movie," Morrison
told the pair, according to witnesses, citing three specific details he recalled
from an Entertainment Weekly capsule review. "Spielberg is really making a
statement about the nature of memory. Or sacrifice. One of those."
At press time, Morrison had purchased tickets for this Friday's 7:15 showing
and was described as "dreading having to be wrong about literally all of this."
Morrison's wife, Cheryl, confirmed separately that this was "extremely typical"
of her husband's behavior, and cited similar incidents involving the albums of
Radiohead, the novels of Cormac McCarthy, and the HBO program "Oz."
"He once argued with my father for twenty minutes about a book he'd only
read the back cover of," Cheryl Morrison said. "The back cover. He was
winning, too, until Dad mentioned the third chapter."
Also In The News
Sports
Yankees Win World Series In Manner Completely Unacceptable To 29 Other Cities
New York celebrates; remainder of nation stares at wall
Local Man Explains What Team Should Have Done Differently Using Extensive Hand Gestures
Armchair coaching reaches new levels of specificity
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Opinion
My Fellow Americans, This Nation's Salad Dressing Situation Has Gone On Long Enough
By Senator C. Thomas Whitfield (R-OH)
I have served this great nation for 22 years in the United States Senate,
and I tell you now, as a man of conscience and conviction: Ranch dressing
is consuming us. We are a people drowning in Ranch dressing...
[Read Op-Ed]
Entertainment
New Tarantino Film Uses Profanity In Innovative Ways Not Previously Considered
Titanic Becomes Highest-Grossing Film Of All Time; Nation Requests It Stop Being Discussed
Seinfeld Ends; Nation Unclear What To Do On Thursday Nights Now
"We just sort of sat there," says Tulsa man
Classifieds
FOR SALE: One (1) conviction that "things are going to turn around."
Used heavily 1990-1998. Shows wear. $12 OBO. Call Dave, evenings.
WANTED: Someone to finish installing ceiling fan I started in March.
Must be available now. Serious inquiries only.
PERSONALS: DWM, 34, ISO someone who will not immediately mention that
they "don't even own a TV." Evenings and weekends only.
LOST: One sense of proportion regarding local sports team's performance.
Last seen, October 4th. Reward offered.
letters@theonion.com
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